Life can still sparkle

I am beginning to understand why computers freeze up. When the information (read: emotional) overload becomes too much to handle, the only solution is a system breakdown.

I was very near one of those a few weeks ago, when my doctor stepped in and gave me some enforced time off. I am somewhat better now, except that I just can't seem to bring myself to do much of anything besides go to work, feed myself and my husband and watch far too much reality television. I am having to conserve my RAM for the things that absolutely must keep running (okay, maybe reality tv is just my screen saver--bear with my awkward metaphor, won't you?). Part of this has been neglecting my blog--I couldn't bear the idea of writing about how terrible life is, and I couldn't summon the energy to write about anything else.

But today I decided to get off my ass and write about some good things. Right before I went back to school, Grant and I took an overnight trip to Niagara, to lounge in an oversized jacuzzi tub and gamble at the new casino. We decided to take $100 each to lose, so after our hot tubbing, we wandered over to the casino for dinner. On the way in, I passed a Swarovski shop and took a gander inside to look at the pretties. I saw some lovely earrings, that when queried, the saleswoman priced at $115. So pretty. While waiting to buy my chips for the poker table, I found myself thinking "Hey, I could take this money and just go buy those earrings..." But I didn't, and Grant and I found ourselves at a low stakes poker table showing off our mad skillz from watching too much poker on television. Yeah, my second time and his first in a casino poker room; the big guys were way scared of us!

Except: I won $399.

The next morning, I walked into the store and bought the earrings. I am wearing them now: as a matter of fact, I put them on just before beginning this entry. It appears they give me the extra memory to browse the good bits of my life.

Did I know the style was called "Anarchy"? I did not.

Funny how life has it's own little jokes.

Why I haven't posted lately

Talkin' to myself and feelin' old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothin' is really wrong
Feelin' like I don't belong
Walkin' around
Some kind of lonely clown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you
Nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me.

What I feel has come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

Yes, I am back at work. My first week back was terrible. My voice is still completely fucked up, which means if this song was playing I would not be able to sing along. And it's raining. Mixed with ice and snow.

I am so glad I have Grant. Otherwise I think I would be toast.

Thank you

I realized the other night that I have never properly thanked all of you for being so wonderfully supportive over the last couple of weeks. It has meant so much to me to come to my blog and read all of your words of support and comfort. You have been a huge part of my healing and I can't thank you all enough for just being here.

Further proof I married the right man

Please note that the above were given to me yesterday before I got the job offer.

Announcement

Although the "official" offer will not be until March 23rd (union stuff), I have informally accepted a position as a Special Education support teacher at another school for next year.

I desperately need a dancing icon here

Yes, Meghan, it's the one closest to home! Still, I will be doubling my commute time--from five minutes to all of ten!!

I am very happy. Now I can simply focus on the getting-well part.

Amor Prohibido

Someone I know really needs this print.

Beauty and the Tube

One of the shows I watch fairly regularly is "Bones". Although not one of my top ten, it's not a bad show, and it gives me my weekly David Boreanaz fix, so there you go! But a while ago, I saw an episode that made me reflect on television and beauty.

Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel) is a forensic anthropologist who has been contracted by the F.B. I., in the person of Seeley Booth (Boreanaz), to assist in solving crimes involving various unidentified corpses, some in better condition than others. They are assisted by Brennan's staff at the university; Angela, Brennan's best friend and a bit of a party girl, Hodgkins, a bug-loving scientist and Zack, a wunderkind with little or no ability to connect with the opposite sex. They are overseen by Dr, Daniel Goodman, who is the scientist in charge of the whole facility. Much is made of these various characters' inability to function in the "real" world, as represented by Booth and to a certain extent: Angela. They are serious scientists with odd obsessions and limited social skills.

Hey, I never said it was a particularly original show. But bear with me.

The episode "The Woman at the Airport" centered around body parts of a young woman found near L.A. International Airport. A large part of the episode was devoted to examining the difference between L.A. and Washington, D.C. (where the show primarily takes place). It had all the usual cliches; palm trees, sun, driving jokes, the usual lame "Gosh, Los Angeles is like another world" stuff. Although it was fun seeing Boreanaz driving a convertible in the sunlight. *grin*

However, the hook of this episode is that the victim is almost impossible to identify because of the extensive plastic surgery she has had. Which leads to a rant by Brennan about the absurdity of peoples' fascination with beauty and mutilations they are willing to undergo in order to meet society's expectations. Her scientist sensibility is offended by this woman's need to destroy her face because of those pressures.

A valid and interesting point, entirely undercut by the presence of a uniformly beautiful group of actors. The two leads are absolutely gorgeous people, and the supporting characters, while given slightly nerdy outfits, accessories and personalities are also quite pretty. Pretty people, in a university science lab, ranting about beauty and expectations and mutilations. Talk about undercutting your message.

I understand that television believes that we are only interested in watching shows with pretty people. The misfits and geeks are portrayed by people like Alyson Hannigan and others made up to look "different". But essentially, they are pretty.

Why do televison producers continue to think that we are only interested in beauty? Recently, there have been news stories talking about the unlikely popularity of Edgar from 24. Why unlikely? Because Edgar is a fat, computer geek who loved his mother. And when you go search for cast lists of the show,either on the Fox site or on IMDB, the actor isn't even listed as one of the main characters. Hey, we can't promote this guy...he's a slob. (Finally found the character, under Profiles. Still no information on the actor.) But viewers love Edgar, because, SURPRISE! we can relate to him. You don't have to be fat or geeky to appreciate that we work with normal people every single day who aren't Hollywood beautiful. And we know that they are just as important in keeping things running as the pretty ones are, or more so.

It seems that more and more, producers are choosing to cast pretty people in the roles where beauty is not only completely unnecessary to the character, it actually does a bit of a disservice to it.

I, for one, would like to see more real people on television. Some of the most talented actors out there are not size 0 and don't have piercing blue eyes. Next time Hollywood wants to cast a forensic scientist or a medical intern or a law assistant, let's try casting one of those actors. It will make your messages about beauty more believable.

Make it so

Yesterday I had an interview for a new job. This afternoon, I have another. Either job would be a great step in the direction I would like my teaching career to take; the first is a .50 library position and .50 Grade 7 history/geography; the other is full-time Special Education support. I feel very good about the interview yesterday, I think I made a real connection with the principal. There was one area where I wasn't really as prepared as I would like, but I think I did well overall. The school is very different than the one I am currently teaching at, which would be a nice change, too.

Today, I am interviewing with a principal with whom I have worked before, and who seemed very high on me previously, so I feel very positive about it. It's also quite close to home.

Official job offers don't need to be made until March 23. I may hear before, but with March break looming it is likely I have quite a wait ahead of me. Send some good thoughts my way.

Take two weeks and call me in the morning

I saw my doctor yesterday, and after listening to me for about 10 minutes, he informed me that I was taking the next two weeks off of work.

It was exactly what I wanted, so, of course, I went into a total panic; explaining to him all the reasons why I couldn't take the time off. As I blathered on, the tears started. I was supposed to go on a school trip tomorrow, my partner is going out on maternity leave in a week, it's the week before March break and the kids will be crazy. He simply said "They will manage. You need to take care of yourself." And wrote out the doctor's note.

Although I know this is what I need to do, I am fearful of the consequences of this. The idea that I can't "suck it up" and make it through makes me worry that my employer, both present and future, will not think I am capable. I can't actually lose my job, the union will take care of that, but it could be less than pleasant if my principal thinks I am a malingerer or one of those teachers that takes advantage of "stress".

But, I know I need to get healthy. Drugs haven't worked. Minor rest hasn't worked. And I have to trust that my doctor (and my own instinct) are right about taking this time. I know that I am a good teacher, but my exhaustion and stress levels have made me someone I don't want to be.

It's time to get well.

Melt Down

Luckily it wasn't in front of my students, but it was pretty touch and go for a bit. I was able to get out of the school at lunch and have a few tears in the car. But this is not good. I can blame that my health is terrible and has been for months. I can say that my students are a particularly needy group, which they are. I can consider that the stretch from Christmas to March break is always the toughest.

But the truth is: I am seriously considering whether or not teaching is the right thing for me to do. That scares me to death, as 48 is a difficult time to consider yet another career change. But today, I felt like I was a terrible teacher. Truly terrible. I hate feeling like that. I want to be a teacher who makes a difference to my students. But lately, I feel like they will only remember me as the mean, grumpy one.

Grant thinks I should teach a younger grade. I think I need to try library or full time special education support. But either of those options means getting my portfolio up to date, booking interviews and shining like a star. Quite honestly, I don't know how I can muster up the energy to do anything well, much less manage to shine.

*sigh*